Women can go through such a variety of emotions and moods in their lives. We may hit some variation of Mad, Sad, Glad, or Scared. These are “basic” emotions we teach kids, but they're pretty good basic categories for anyone just trying to tune into their emotions.
So, if these are the emotions we can see and recognize for the most part, what feeds them? What gives rise to these feelings? What can’t we see as easily? What is at the roots of these more accessible feelings?
SHAME
What did you notice in yourself just then when you read that word? Did you hold your breath? Did you slump? Did you feel numb? Did you just gloss over it ready to move on and keep reading?
Shame is a tricky emotion. It doesn’t rise up quickly like rage, panic, or excitement. It lives just beneath the surface. It can influence how you see yourself in your life and in your relationships.
The dictionary defines it this way:
Shame. [SHām] noun
a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong
or foolish behavior.
But let's add on to that definition by recognizing that someone can feel fundamentally flawed and feel shame over being who they are. Not just over particular behaviors.
So, that deepens it a bit more, and maybe even starts to sound like a familiar experience for you.
Taking It Deeper
Additionally, for a deeper understanding of shame, let's look at how Brené Brown, a shame and vulnerability researcher, discusses shame. She writes,
“I define shame as the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging – something we’ve experienced, done, or failed to do makes us unworthy of connection.
I don’t believe shame is helpful or productive. In fact, I think shame is much more likely to be the source of destructive, hurtful behavior than the solution or cure. I think the fear of disconnection can make us dangerous.”
~ From Daring Greatly
So, if deep down we might feel unworthy of love and belonging, something we instinctually need for our survival, we probably guard ourselves so much that we can't truly be available for real, fulfilling, and loving connection with other human beings.
HOW DOES SHAME AFFECT YOUR LIFE?
It makes us want to hide
With shame running the show, there is likely a feeling of needing to stay small and like watching the world around from within a bubble. Being really seen can feel dangerous to someone who is trapped in shame. Frequently there can be fear that once someone gets close enough to really get to know them, they will be rejected, left, ridiculed, because their true, flawed self will be noticed by the other person.
It makes us want to censor or quiet ourselves
Furthermore, if someone is run by shame, they will likely keep quiet and not speak up or share their thoughts. There will be an expectation that if they express their true voice (thoughts, feelings, needs, etc) again they will be rejected, ridiculed or feel humiliated.
It makes us doubt ourselves
In fact, if someone even thinks about speaking up and saying what they think. Then their shame may leave them doubting those thoughts, feeling like they're wrong, and then second-guessing themselves. They will tend to give in to another’s thoughts as more “right” than their own.
It has deep roots
Since shame is the kind of emotion that builds up over a lifetime of experiences, it can start to develop as a sense of self. More recognized emotions or moods can be triggered by a particular situation. Shame feels more like a definition of who you are. Many times, this starts right from the beginning of life. However, certain early experiences with caretakers as well as family dynamics can set the stage for the deep roots of shame.
How has shame held you back in your life, your relationships, and your work?
(Stay tuned for coming blogs posts on Shame. For more on how shame develops and how it may show up for you.)
** If this post resonated with you and you'd like to work on the role shame has played in your life and how it may be holding you back, consider joining us in the WE Connect Inner Circle. You can learn more about it here: WE Connect Inner Circle