(a follow up post to Is Shame Holding You Back). Read that post first.
You may wonder how Shame shows up in your own life, or you may already have a good sense of that.
Usually shame is so deeply rooted that only what you notice on the surface is your first clue. What do you notice on the surface?
What do you struggle with in your life?
Most women look for help because of a specific symptom or situation that has finally gotten in the way of how they'd like to live.
Some common reasons could be perhaps feeling like they’re losing control over their food and weight issues (over or under eating), or their relationship has finally broken into fighting or infidelity, or their anxiety has gotten the better of them and they can’t function as they would like.
Sometimes, even though they are anxious, they are also very sad and often depressed beneath the intensity of the anxiety.
They may be in pain, struggling, and ashamed of how their lives have been impacted by what’s going on “beneath the surface.” They are often seen as so “together” by others in their lives that they feel ashamed to have their lives even reach this point.
If any of this sounds familiar, just know you can find your way past the shame and be free to grow into the YOU you’re meant to become!
Getting Past Shame
If you’ve been reading through this series and found that it is likely Shame that is holding you back, let’s talk about how to find your way out.
First, we need to remember Shame is a powerful and deep emotion which has often translated into your sense of self. Because of this, the process to find your way out is just that – a process. You won’t find a quick fix or simple formula. Instead, the road involves:
knowing yourself
valuing yourself
showing up in your relationships
healing old hurts
Let’s go through those one by one.
KNOWING YOURSELF
Self-awareness is the best beginning you can have in your process of getting past Shame. Get to know yourself more fully by understanding your past as well as knowing YOU in the present.
The Past:
Think through your life story and see if you recognize any early experiences that could have contributed to developing shame. Reflect upon your early family relationships, any stressors or traumas that may have been present during that time. Think about, write about & talk about what you remember. Having a safe group of women to share with can be helpful in sorting through some of this (see below).
The Present:
Develop a practice of self-awareness so that you can note how your current life is impacted by your history. Check in with yourself periodically through the day and notice how your body feels, where your thoughts take you, what patterns you repeat, where your mind wanders, what your dreams are, etc.
VALUING YOURSELF
Once you become more self-aware, you can make some choices about how you take care of yourself. If you’ve come from a place of Shame you likely take better care of others than of yourself. You may not even notice you need care or struggle with the idea of even deserving care. You are not alone. So many women get caught in this caretaking dilemma.
But why is valuing yourself so important? You are giving yourself a message that you are valuable and worth being cared for. You likely missed this message growing up and need to develop that sense in yourself now.
Not only do you deserve it, but it’s a crucial part of growing beyond shame.
SHOWING UP IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS
Because shame can cause us to hide, quiet ourselves, and doubt ourselves (see first post on Shame), you are left feeling quite unseen and unknown in your relationships.
Getting past shame involves breaking through these patterns so that you can show up to be seen and known. This may bring up all sorts of alarm bells for you that if you let someone really get to know you, they will notice you are flawed and turn away from you. This is exactly why you need to grow some trust in this area.
To begin to develop trust, you need to take small risks with people you’ve identified to be “safe” and let yourself be seen just a little bit to start. Who are your safe people?
HEALING OLD HURTS
Allowing the pain of your early experiences to become known, and then to move through your feelings about those experiences is crucial. Healing from shame also requires healing your soul.
This part of your process is so important and can take many forms. You can write about it, draw about it, meditate upon it, talk to a trusted other about it – how you process it is as unique as you are. Everyone will have their own approach.
Sometimes, if you find nothing else is bringing relief, you might consider talking to a safe helper, friend, or group.
We take this process of learning and healing much deeper in WE Connect Inner Circle with coaching, mini-lessons, online group meetings and community support. If you’d like a safe space to work on your healing and growth, consider joining this community of like-minded women. You have a safe and supportive space and community here ready to welcome you.
Find out more at WE Connect Inner Circle.